Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The adventures of Buzz and Woody, Part I


~ For my sister ~

"Woody! Are you alright?"

"Buzz! Buzz! ...my hand is stuck!"


"Woody! I can see that. Are you okay? Just take a deep breath and I'm just gonna see if I can find something to get you down."


[Woody sucks in some air, a tad hysterically]

"I'm breathin'!!"

[Buzz searches around frantically and returns to the fire hearth]

"Woody. Bad news. I can't find any sort of rope. No even a skipping rope. This is not a little girl's bedroom."

[Woody wails]

"Of all the bedrooms we had to find ourselves in! Why couldn't we have been in a little girls room sipping on tea right now from those cute little tea cups!"

"Woody! Take a breath!"

[Woody sucks a few more frantic breaths]

"But NOOOO instead we have to find ourselves in some sort of ritualistic fireplace scenario. Do you think she's going to sacrifice us Buzz? Like in a satanic cult?! You will melt and I will burn and MELT!!!!"

[Woody's breathing increases]

"Woody! Stop. She is not going to burn us! Look. The fireplace is all bricked up."

[Buzz points to the bricks in the fireplace]

"But Buzz, there's still room for fire."

[Woody's eyes grow wider as he assesses the area below]

"She keeps her SHOES here Woody. There's no old soot in here and there is far too much rainbow in this bedroom for her to be satanic in any sense of the concept. Trust me."

"B-but Buzz, all her shoes are black too. M-maybe the rainbow stuff is a cover."

[Buzz looks at the shoes lined up at the fireplace, and carefully examines the one tan coloured pair, then points to the tan ones]

"Nah, look, you can tell by the wear in these ones that she wears these most often, Woody. We'll be golden. I just have to figure out how to get you down before you panic."

"She hasn't worn those shoes for weeks Buzz, WEEKS."

"It's summer Woody! No one wears brogues in summer. She has good taste too those are some fine shoes."

"Buzz! Stop perving on the shoes and Get! Me! Dooown!"

"Take another breath Woody, I'll figure something out."

[Buzz looks around again, slowly this time]

"Bingo. Woody, look, shoelaces."

"Hurry Buzz my arm is starting to hurt!"

"Hold on Woody, I'll have you down in a jiffy."

[Buzz starts undoing the laces from the tan brogues]


"Hurry Buzz, I'm serious, I think my arm just ripped a little!"

"I'm going as fast as I can Woody."

[Buzz frees the shoelace and makes a lasso]

"What are you doing with that Buzz?"

"I'm going to get it around your shoe and tug you down Woody."

"B-but it's a long way down Buzz, it'll hurt landing, especially if you're tugging on my leg!"

"You're a toy Woody, you taught me that remember. A TOY."

"Okay Buzz."

[Woody squishes his eyes closed and prepares himself mentally]

[Buzz holds one end of the lasso and throws the other in Woody's direction
He misses
Repositioning himself he flings it up towards Woody's foot again and misses again
He gets it on the third go, but it lands on the yellow spur of Woody's boot]

"I'm going to have to give it a really big tug Woody!"

"JUST DOOOOO IT Buzz!"


[Buzz gives an almighty pull but the lasso slips off and Woody is still stuck]

"Buzz, what are we going to do now?!"

[Woody wails again]

"Just let me think, there's got to be something!"

[Buzz looks around again, searching for ideas]

"Woody! Try wiggling your fingers!"

"I've already tried that Buzz!"

"WIGGLE THEM."

"Okay okay I'm wiggling I'm wiggling."

[Woody wiggles his fingers and ends up just making his body thrash around a bit]


"It's not working Buzz, they're stuck right in there! Stuck!"

"Okay, okay let me think."

[Buzz thinks for a time]

"Okay Woody, I've got something! If I pile up all the shoes maybe I can get high enough to reach you."

[Woody looks dubious and then yells]

"WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR BUZZ? START! PILING!"

"Okay Woody I'm on it."
[Buzz starts throwing shoes on top of other shoes and they all keep tumbling down]


"Buzz! Stop. You have to make sure there's structural integrity. Pile carefully."

[Buzz mutters under his breath something about smart arse engineers, and resumes piling, a little more carefully]

"Okay Woody, I think I have it now, almost there...almost..."

[Buzz climbs the pile of shoes that has partial structural integrity and reaches as high as he can]


[Woody in turn reaches down as far as he can]

"Almost...almost... I can't reach you Buzz!!"

[Woody wails and his body goes limp again]

"Don't give up Woody, I'm not giving up. Neither should you!"

[Woody remains quiet]

"I'll be right back Woody!"

[Woody looks over at Buzz]

"No Buzz you can't go out of the bedroom, someone might seeee you!"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures Woody, I'll be right back."

[Buzz disappears around the bedroom door and the bedroom falls silent, except for the sounds of Woody's occasional whimper]

A few minutes later Buzz returns dragging behind him a piece of furniture from outside the bedroom.

"Look what I found Woody!"


"Buzz! You did it! Did anyone see you?"

"No they were totally preoccupied, Woody, in the garden, talking women's business."

[Woody snickers]

"Those girls, honestly."

"I know Woody, I know."

[Buzz shakes his head and continues dragging the piece of furniture to the hearth]
"Is it heavy Buzz?"

"It doesn't matter Woody, it's the answer, the answer to our problems! I'm gonna get you down from there and then I'm going to get us out of here!"

"C-can we find a bedroom with a little girl who has a little tea set? I like those Buzz."

"I know Woody, I know, I'm gonna try."

[Buzz tips the piece of furniture up against the hearth and pushes it into place]

"Star command, I am approaching the escape hatch, prepare for LIFT OFF!"

"Buzz! Stop with your stupid quotes, get me dooowwwwn!"

"It wasn't me Woody, I accidentally pressed my button."

[Buzz climbs up on the piece of furniture and tugs on Woody's legs
Nothing happens
He tugs again, a little harder]

"Wiggle your fingers Woody, while I'm tugging, on the count of three, 1....2.....3!"

With an almighty pull and some quality wiggling Woody is finally free.

[Buzz calls down to Woody, who is laying sprawling on the ground]

"Are you alright, Woody?"


"I-I think so, but I just really need to pee Buzz."

"You're a TOY Woody, you don't need to pee!"

[Buzz mutters to himself something about Woody taking a knock to the head]

"Right, now Woody, what do you want to do?"

"What do you mean Buzz, you said you'd get us outa here?"

"Was just trying to keep you focussed Woody, I actually like it in here."

"Easy for you, Buzz! You haven't spent a week wedged in a fire place staring at a Giger poster. It's creepy, Buzz, really creepy!"

"I know Woody, but I can't face another Mrs Nezbit tea party! I just can't!"

[Buzz shudders]

"The things she did to me, Woody, the things she did to me."

"Shh! Buzz, I hear someone coming."

[Both toys fall to the ground as the bedroom door opens]

   ***

"Luuuuucy? What's with the chair in my room? ...Oh never mind, maybe Dave did it!"
[She laughs and exits]

[Stage fades to black]


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