Saturday, 15 February 2014

What goes up must come down....right? Wrong!

I used to worry if I felt really good for too long. 

Feel free to laugh. 

Truly, it's funny, I'm laughing right now. 

It used to concern me because I knew myself well enough to know it was a temporary mood that would inevitably be matched by a mood of something akin to melancholy. Not depression or anything. Exhaustion maybe. 

I'd go along feeling like a ripper tearing up at life and then I'd crash into despair. 

The roller coaster of life. Weeeeeeeee

Anyway for the past 6 months or so I've been in a new place. A place of happy medium. Sort of. Don't get me wrong there've been ups and downs just not ridiculous ones. I've been more in the moment and less concerned about the future than ever before. 
So in a few short months I'll be starting the weening off process. It's a tricky one (physically, I mean, it can be anyway). But I'm feeling really excited that my Doc actually suggested it. He thinks I'm ready. I am. 
There are other people who've been involved in this process for me too, and I'm grateful for their unconditional love and support as well. Incredibly so.

I've also been curious whether the other shoe would drop. But it hasn't. And it would have by now. If it were going to. I got some good news from my Doc a few weeks back. He's been monitoring me for a while on a productive program of meds and therapy. For anxiety disorder. First time round I wanted to go off the meds as quickly as possible. This time round I've been more patient with the whole process. 

Just feeling out how I actually feel instead of how I want to feel. 

And, soon, very soon...I'm having my last session with my incredible therapist. I'm really, really sad they're ending, but at the same time I also feel ready to fly the coup. I've become really fond of our epic chats. They're never dull. They're insightful and helpful, often philosophical and we've both dug super deep to achieve the open and honest level of communication which has benefited me in ways I can't describe with words. (Making sweeping gestures with my arms instead.) I recommend therapy to basically everyone I meet. Largely because of the wonderful experiences I've had with the therapy I've attended. It's opened my mind to a whole world that is completely new for me; a part of myself I used to be so afraid of. And now I'm far more comfortable with all of me, just as I am. Because of what I've learnt. In therapy. Because I've had a therapist who gave a shit and went above and beyond consistently and who also had the courage to be honest with me. I'm not sure how I can ever thank him quite adequately enough. I will thank him. In person. And here too, express my thanks. 

I think my see saw is finally balancing itself out. 

It's nice. 

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