Sunday, 16 March 2014

There is no 'why', sometimes there is only 'is'

A few years back I had an ah-huh moment. A big one. It was in therapy - I was having a pity party about how unfair life is (yeh life, unfair it might be at times but compared to what some have to live with I feel pretty bloody lucky). My therapist said something interesting.

He said, "yes, life IS unfair".


Wasn't he supposed to tell me everything would get better?


Life is often unfair. For some more than others. Which is also extremely unfair.

It just is.

Hearing my therapist say that out loud, inside me something clicked. Okay so now I know life is sometimes unfair and not everyone gets to be "happy" (and anyway I dislike the concept of happiness as a life goal) what?

It didn't take me too long to mull it over. Maybe a year. Ha!

I made a conscious effort to be more me. More authentically me.

The more effort I made, the more curious I became about the effects it was having on my life. The more sense it made to me. It made more sense of stuff that had happened before.

And in a strange way it made the hard stuff easier too. Which at first seemed odd to me but now makes sense. It doesn't make the stuff less hard. It's still hard. It's still scary. But now I accept that it's just part of living my life. And for you it might look different.

A few people I'm close with have some really big stuff to deal with right now. Those things often get me thinking, and it often means having big scary conversations with people - which I always love. I appreciate the hard stuff and don't shy away from it.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend. He said to me, "no I'm not afraid of dying". He meant it too. He had a look which said he meant it and he seldom says stuff he doesn't mean. I was kinda in awe, and then he said, "I am afraid of leaving behind the people I love though, I'm not ready for that, there's still more I want to do for them".

Hmmm. Good point. So what was he waiting for? And I said that to him.

Then I told him 'bout the time my sister had her appendix out. We thought it was a routine operation but the appendix was almost gangrenous and it exploded all over her insides as soon as the surgeons got inside. She also reacted badly to the anaesthetic and stopped breathing and although they revived her successfully it was easily one of the scariest moments of my life.

But through the whole thing there was one thing of which I was certain. It repeated over and over in my head and it was so comforting. Even if she had have died, she'd have died knowing how much I loved her. There was no two ways about it. There was no thinking "why didn't I do this or say that". There was just love and she knew it. She's always known it. It's me. It's what I do. I tell people what's on my insides even when it's scary and freaks the shit out of me to admit it's how I feel.

I've gotta make the most of my life while it's here. Coz we all die one day, it's what we do while we're alive that'll make the process of coming to terms with our own mortality easier. Maybe more worth it or something.

For me that means not wasting it wondering if I should or shouldn't do something. I'll just follow my instincts and allow myself to feel it all. Yup it's hard and scary, and sometimes life hurts - but I often wear my heart on my sleeve and that means having my heart bumped around sometimes.

I believe (to my core) that the extent of joy one can feel can only be matched by the extent one allows oneself to feel the opposite. And that applies to other stuff too. Love. Laughter. Fulfilment. Fun. All those lovely emotions are matched by unpleasant ones. And when we numb the unpleasant ones we unwittingly numb the good stuff too.

So. I allow myself to just feel it all baby. Feel. It. All.

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